THE FINAL SOLUTION

‘The final solution’ exclaimed my friend Kaybee.

I looked at him quizzically; who was he taking about, Hitler, Radovan Karadžić  NaMo, Rajapaksa or had I missed a name of the ethnic cleansers of the world. ‘You mean the Taliban’ I said, whose aim is to make India an Islamic Caliphate... ‘No’ ‘no’ he replied irritably, I’m talking about the stray dogs in our sector.

Thus unfolded the ghoulish plot my friend seemed to be hatching. With almost an evil glint in his eye, and a decidedly wicked smile on his face he said, ‘I’ve thought up of a plan to get rid of all the strays once and for all, the final solution.’ ‘You mean exterminate them?’ I said in horror, it couldn’t be my pal Kaybee talking, mild mannered and gentle who couldn’t hurt a fly, now thinking of culling dogs....’he’s flipping’ I thought. ‘Of course not’ he said startled at my thought process, ‘exterminations are passé, a thing of the past, we now have more sophisticated means at our disposal.’ ‘Like what?’ I asked a tad confused. ‘Music & Food’ he said, ‘a festival for strays’

‘Now listen carefully,’ he said, and espoused his devilishly simple plan.... I wondered what our RWA office bearers would think of it. Have you discussed it with President Dopra? I nervously queried, or Secretary Manga? Or committee member Bhandra? You could get into trouble you know, if you didn’t get their ‘approval’ as the ‘do nothing’ motto of the RWA would be violated.... my voice trailed off... but Kaybee wasn’t listening;

You remember the fable of the Pied Piper who got rid of the rats in the city of Hamelin?’ That’s my plan’ he said. ‘Since the strays have been exported to our sector from the adjacent sectors, and are always hungry, we’d organise dog food camps in those very sectors where we’ll get the dogs to go and feast. The camps will last for a few days, by which time the dogs will get used to being there, and presto! we’ll shut the camps down; mission accomplished!

Not clear on the semantics, I asked ‘but how do we get them there in the first place?’, ‘Ahh now that’s the key’, ‘We’d get a Dhoolak wala, a drum beater to go around the sector, announcing it to the dogs.’ Announce to the dogs? What was Kaybee talking about? ‘He’s finally flipped’ I thought to myself, but carried on the charade, ‘and pray how will the dogs understand?’ ‘That’s an  easy one; we’d rub bacon on the drum, and keep strips of bacon in the back pocket of the drum beater, the dogs intoxicated with the smell of bacon will just follow him to the food camps, like the rats followed the Pied Piper’, he announced triumphantly.

Taken aback I asked weakly, ‘Ok you’ve got them out of the sector, what stops them from coming back?’ With a straight face and a dead pan expression, he said ‘haven’t you noticed the boom barriers our RWA has set up at the sector’s entry gates, with the guards sitting in the centre of the road? Well, we’d ask the guards not to raise the barrier when the dogs want to re enter’!!

I collapsed!! At the time of going to press, my family is still trying to revive me!!

rajeevsuri.cbms@gmail.com